Finally, a new beginning.

I am determined to overcome my problem.
five years is too long a time wasted...
Thank goodness i'm taking steps and i'm heading towards recovery.
(=

today's the 7th of may 2009..
i'm going to be frank with you, about my problem..
i've been carrying the horrible burden of suffering from what people call "a" and "b" for 5years..

I call it ED
Basically, ED is the only relationship ive had in my life...
ive had ED...for as long as i remember..

ED TOOK AWAY MY LIFE...
my five year relationship with ED.
i couldnt live without him. i was obsessed with him and i couldnt live my life normally. Everyday, all i thought about was ED
when i wake up, when i get ready, in school, when im out with friends, at home, before i sleep, i even DREAM OF ED.

so now, im determined to "break up" with ED, so i can Start my life anew,
a fresh
and NORMAL.
But what is normal? i find it hard to imagine.

it aint all that simple though,
because of ED, now i've insecurities.. i feel unworthy of life in general.
unworthy of love.
unworthy of a normal life
and im afraid to be normal.. im not saying that im depressed, because i'm not.
i'm saying im afraid to step out of my five-year bubble.

somehow, with ED, i feel like im living in a world of my own..that i neednt worry about a thing in the big outside world. thus i didnt bother talking to people or knowing people for any form of relationship apart from the friends i already had.

"But how can i live on that way?" i asked myself
All my friends are moving on in life.. and im still stuck.. not moving, stagnant- or perhaps even getting worse!

the doctors told me, a year ago
"if you continue on like this, it'd be a miracle if you live past twenty"
"Someone would probably find you dead with your head in the toilet bowl"

honestly, a year ago.. i didnt really care... i mean, so what, as long as i stay within my comfort zone with ED, i'm happy and fine...
but i wasnt really.
i wasnt fine..
i was sick,

AND I AM GOING TO STOP MY STUPID OBSESSION WITH ED
so i got myself a permanent fixture.
it means peace.love.family and the national Eating disorder recovery symbol.

and im happy.
and i will be, now till forever.
XOXO