a poem i wrote.

She’s Sick. She’s Nauseous.
She’s full of contempt.
She Hates her living
She contemplates death.
Her stomach
turning, jumping,
And calling for help.
Yet she pushes up the fuel
She consumed before that.
Will her body survive,
After years of this pain
Will she mentally break?
Due to this shame.
She’s wincing. Disgusted.
Praying it away.
She looks at reflections.
In a different way.
She sees a painting
Of a different Thing.
She’s looking in the mirror.
She’s Fighting her mind.
She’s trying to find a goodness inside.
She has to focus
Allow her system to digest.
But her mind says NO.
No. She’s a mess.
The hurt. The pain. The disgust.
Its too much to handle.
The poor girl’s a mess.
The power of her master
Took over her body
She gives her fuel away
Gladly and reluctantly.
She’s turning to bones.
Too thin, now happy.
Trying to deceive herself
That Thin equals happy
Master you’re a liar!
Master you’re a user!
Master you’re a horrid inducer!
Master she hates you.
Yet she needs you.
Let her go, dear master;
Please, she begs you.
Her painful starvation.
Her heart palpitations.
Her mind’s in a mess.
Due to contemplation.
She’s now exhausted,
Extremely weak
She’s Sick. Nauseated.
In pain
And in lost.
You won’t leave her alone.
Dissociation - self-taught.
Her pain she bears
Makes her body run weak.
Makes her time fall short.
Shattered and sick.
Her mind’s a mess.
She’s gone whacked.
Her parents.
Her brother.
Her old friends.
Is like a fantasy she dreams
In Disney land.
Day in and day out.
She’s split into two.
One side’s a fantasy.
The other’s Doom.
Master, leave her to heal
forgive, and move on.
She’s too much of a slave
Her freedom, now gone.
Master, please.
She begs
Give her the freedom she longs.
She’s been Stomped on.
Stepped, Tossed, dear Master.
She has endured far enough.
She’s like a rag doll, dear Master
She’s lost her cry.
She’s too torn,
And then mended.
Stitched, by your Master hands.
Only to have the same happen
Torn over and over again.
She finds herself lost
In pain and in sorrow
She’s now praying by pen,
Her world is so hollow.
She uses the tool
Known as the pen.
The Universe blessed for her
Held in her fragile hands
She writes Master’s words
To keep her mind in line.
But all the while,
She’s hoping
Someone, whoever, can identify.
May she help one more get by.

My life in voice.

Things has got so out of control. i feel like a bird in a cage. i yearn to be free, yet when anyone trys to open the cage, in hope i'd fly- i've this huge fear and reluctance.
in fact, to be quite frank, perhaps this 'cage' has now become a home to me. somewhere i can be alone and hide. somewhere i've become accustomed to.

Kelly Clarkson's 'Addicted' depicts my life in voice.

It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down.
It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech, Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe... Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe, It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you, I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think, Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts..In my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost. It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, Leave me alone!
And I know these voices in my head..Are mine alone..
And I know I'll never change my ways,If I don't give you up now!

It's like I can't breathe.. It's like I can't see anything!..
Nothing but you/..I'm addicted to you..

It's like I can't think..Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, In my dreams.. You've taken over me!
It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me...

I'm hooked on you,I need a fix.. I can't take it.. Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it, I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time..Then that's it

It's like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you. I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think.. Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

The Truth

I don't know why i feel like this everyday of my life..
its something i've got accustomed to. day in and day out, ive to occupy myself..or else hell would hit me like a ton of bricks. actually hell does hit me,everynight. and it sucks. no one truly knows how my life is like. it;s my own doing,so its my fault. but why must this happen to me? what have i done in my life to deserve such punishment? my body weakens each time..i know if i continue it;d lead to my deathbed. i know that nothing good is coming out of this pain i yearn to hault. i need to find light, to find peace..but each time i think of it, 'Peace' is a fear. and my life is nothing but a burden hidden by a clown's smile. if only people knew, how hidden i was.. if only they'd know that their taughting and harsh words, or their thoughts of me and my life are nothing but scraches on my already torn image.