Well, i've not been updating my blog.. for an Extremely LONG time- the eve of my birthday..
all those posts on my sad lonely life.. well, they were written when i was at my worst. i'm sure there are happy days and sad days for everybody. For me, it's more of like-a cycle. Im happy when i'm with friends and company..
Dont get me all wrong. Im happy Most of the time...
i just write my blog entries when im DEPRESSED.
Still, i must admit, i have hidden problems and an abundance of insecurities;
Something not anyone is proud of. I've learnt to live with them though.. sometimes i wonder how i can live Without these problems.
I'm thankful to have the life i have. Despite all my negative aspects and social insecurities, i'm proud to say, i live a happy contented life.
My social circle consists of just friends-i guess that's a good thing? but ive to learn to open up, perhaps more.in the future.
note to self:
florence, youve to start to love yourself.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Heart
I don't know why.. but day by day, i just feel more and more closed in, more and more like as though- if each time some stranger laughs, he's laughing at me. Why?!
I know i've alot to be thankful for, my friends.my family.
But why Me? Why My Life? I don't know..Im not worthy of anything.
There is a monster living deep inside of me.
He eats my insides making me feel hungry.
I try to fill the void that he leaves inside.
No matter how much I bury him,
He just wont die.
I know the problem,
So why cant I stop?
I eat and eat until I feel my insides rot.
I beat myself with guilt,
Every time I let that monster win.
But when I'm done feeling sorry for myself,
The cycle begins all over again.
I get called so many vile names because I'm fat.
You'd think I'd want to stop just because of that.
But the pain people cause just makes me crave more.
I find myself hiding behind the refrigerator door.
I can't go on living this lie.
I am tired of drowning the pain,
That I try to hide.
My secret is tearing me apart.
Because no amount of food in the world,
Will satisfy my starving heart.
I know i've alot to be thankful for, my friends.my family.
But why Me? Why My Life? I don't know..Im not worthy of anything.
There is a monster living deep inside of me.
He eats my insides making me feel hungry.
I try to fill the void that he leaves inside.
No matter how much I bury him,
He just wont die.
I know the problem,
So why cant I stop?
I eat and eat until I feel my insides rot.
I beat myself with guilt,
Every time I let that monster win.
But when I'm done feeling sorry for myself,
The cycle begins all over again.
I get called so many vile names because I'm fat.
You'd think I'd want to stop just because of that.
But the pain people cause just makes me crave more.
I find myself hiding behind the refrigerator door.
I can't go on living this lie.
I am tired of drowning the pain,
That I try to hide.
My secret is tearing me apart.
Because no amount of food in the world,
Will satisfy my starving heart.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
life
I'm stuck in a world where I don't want to be
Suffering a pain that no one can see
A pain so deep, so bottled up inside
Brings thoughts of self-harm and suicide.
These thoughts trigger a self-punishing action
But to me it’s a mere distraction
I'm plagued by these thoughts in my mind
To me they're so clear but to others they're blind.
Each day I wake with hostile thoughts
What lies ahead makes me fraught
The voice in my head is so intense
To others it's nothing but to me it's immense
I feel despondent with no future ahead
But I'll have one soon and this path I'll tread
This path will lead me to a place I can endure
And I'll never go back to the way I was before.
with love.
Suffering a pain that no one can see
A pain so deep, so bottled up inside
Brings thoughts of self-harm and suicide.
These thoughts trigger a self-punishing action
But to me it’s a mere distraction
I'm plagued by these thoughts in my mind
To me they're so clear but to others they're blind.
Each day I wake with hostile thoughts
What lies ahead makes me fraught
The voice in my head is so intense
To others it's nothing but to me it's immense
I feel despondent with no future ahead
But I'll have one soon and this path I'll tread
This path will lead me to a place I can endure
And I'll never go back to the way I was before.
with love.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
a poem i wrote.
She’s Sick. She’s Nauseous.
She’s full of contempt.
She Hates her living
She contemplates death.
Her stomach
turning, jumping,
And calling for help.
Yet she pushes up the fuel
She consumed before that.
Will her body survive,
After years of this pain
Will she mentally break?
Due to this shame.
She’s wincing. Disgusted.
Praying it away.
She looks at reflections.
In a different way.
She sees a painting
Of a different Thing.
She’s looking in the mirror.
She’s Fighting her mind.
She’s trying to find a goodness inside.
She has to focus
Allow her system to digest.
But her mind says NO.
No. She’s a mess.
The hurt. The pain. The disgust.
Its too much to handle.
The poor girl’s a mess.
The power of her master
Took over her body
She gives her fuel away
Gladly and reluctantly.
She’s turning to bones.
Too thin, now happy.
Trying to deceive herself
That Thin equals happy
Master you’re a liar!
Master you’re a user!
Master you’re a horrid inducer!
Master she hates you.
Yet she needs you.
Let her go, dear master;
Please, she begs you.
Her painful starvation.
Her heart palpitations.
Her mind’s in a mess.
Due to contemplation.
She’s now exhausted,
Extremely weak
She’s Sick. Nauseated.
In pain
And in lost.
You won’t leave her alone.
Dissociation - self-taught.
Her pain she bears
Makes her body run weak.
Makes her time fall short.
Shattered and sick.
Her mind’s a mess.
She’s gone whacked.
Her parents.
Her brother.
Her old friends.
Is like a fantasy she dreams
In Disney land.
Day in and day out.
She’s split into two.
One side’s a fantasy.
The other’s Doom.
Master, leave her to heal
forgive, and move on.
She’s too much of a slave
Her freedom, now gone.
Master, please.
She begs
Give her the freedom she longs.
She’s been Stomped on.
Stepped, Tossed, dear Master.
She has endured far enough.
She’s like a rag doll, dear Master
She’s lost her cry.
She’s too torn,
And then mended.
Stitched, by your Master hands.
Only to have the same happen
Torn over and over again.
She finds herself lost
In pain and in sorrow
She’s now praying by pen,
Her world is so hollow.
She uses the tool
Known as the pen.
The Universe blessed for her
Held in her fragile hands
She writes Master’s words
To keep her mind in line.
But all the while,
She’s hoping
Someone, whoever, can identify.
May she help one more get by.
She’s full of contempt.
She Hates her living
She contemplates death.
Her stomach
turning, jumping,
And calling for help.
Yet she pushes up the fuel
She consumed before that.
Will her body survive,
After years of this pain
Will she mentally break?
Due to this shame.
She’s wincing. Disgusted.
Praying it away.
She looks at reflections.
In a different way.
She sees a painting
Of a different Thing.
She’s looking in the mirror.
She’s Fighting her mind.
She’s trying to find a goodness inside.
She has to focus
Allow her system to digest.
But her mind says NO.
No. She’s a mess.
The hurt. The pain. The disgust.
Its too much to handle.
The poor girl’s a mess.
The power of her master
Took over her body
She gives her fuel away
Gladly and reluctantly.
She’s turning to bones.
Too thin, now happy.
Trying to deceive herself
That Thin equals happy
Master you’re a liar!
Master you’re a user!
Master you’re a horrid inducer!
Master she hates you.
Yet she needs you.
Let her go, dear master;
Please, she begs you.
Her painful starvation.
Her heart palpitations.
Her mind’s in a mess.
Due to contemplation.
She’s now exhausted,
Extremely weak
She’s Sick. Nauseated.
In pain
And in lost.
You won’t leave her alone.
Dissociation - self-taught.
Her pain she bears
Makes her body run weak.
Makes her time fall short.
Shattered and sick.
Her mind’s a mess.
She’s gone whacked.
Her parents.
Her brother.
Her old friends.
Is like a fantasy she dreams
In Disney land.
Day in and day out.
She’s split into two.
One side’s a fantasy.
The other’s Doom.
Master, leave her to heal
forgive, and move on.
She’s too much of a slave
Her freedom, now gone.
Master, please.
She begs
Give her the freedom she longs.
She’s been Stomped on.
Stepped, Tossed, dear Master.
She has endured far enough.
She’s like a rag doll, dear Master
She’s lost her cry.
She’s too torn,
And then mended.
Stitched, by your Master hands.
Only to have the same happen
Torn over and over again.
She finds herself lost
In pain and in sorrow
She’s now praying by pen,
Her world is so hollow.
She uses the tool
Known as the pen.
The Universe blessed for her
Held in her fragile hands
She writes Master’s words
To keep her mind in line.
But all the while,
She’s hoping
Someone, whoever, can identify.
May she help one more get by.
Monday, April 21, 2008
My life in voice.
Things has got so out of control. i feel like a bird in a cage. i yearn to be free, yet when anyone trys to open the cage, in hope i'd fly- i've this huge fear and reluctance.
in fact, to be quite frank, perhaps this 'cage' has now become a home to me. somewhere i can be alone and hide. somewhere i've become accustomed to.
Kelly Clarkson's 'Addicted' depicts my life in voice.
It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down.
It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech, Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe... Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe, It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you, I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think, Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts..In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost. It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, Leave me alone!
And I know these voices in my head..Are mine alone..
And I know I'll never change my ways,If I don't give you up now!
It's like I can't breathe.. It's like I can't see anything!..
Nothing but you/..I'm addicted to you..
It's like I can't think..Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, In my dreams.. You've taken over me!
It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me...
I'm hooked on you,I need a fix.. I can't take it.. Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it, I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time..Then that's it
It's like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you. I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think.. Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
in fact, to be quite frank, perhaps this 'cage' has now become a home to me. somewhere i can be alone and hide. somewhere i've become accustomed to.
Kelly Clarkson's 'Addicted' depicts my life in voice.
It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down.
It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech, Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe... Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe, It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you, I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think, Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts..In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost. It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, Leave me alone!
And I know these voices in my head..Are mine alone..
And I know I'll never change my ways,If I don't give you up now!
It's like I can't breathe.. It's like I can't see anything!..
Nothing but you/..I'm addicted to you..
It's like I can't think..Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, In my dreams.. You've taken over me!
It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me...
I'm hooked on you,I need a fix.. I can't take it.. Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it, I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time..Then that's it
It's like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you. I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think.. Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Truth
I don't know why i feel like this everyday of my life..
its something i've got accustomed to. day in and day out, ive to occupy myself..or else hell would hit me like a ton of bricks. actually hell does hit me,everynight. and it sucks. no one truly knows how my life is like. it;s my own doing,so its my fault. but why must this happen to me? what have i done in my life to deserve such punishment? my body weakens each time..i know if i continue it;d lead to my deathbed. i know that nothing good is coming out of this pain i yearn to hault. i need to find light, to find peace..but each time i think of it, 'Peace' is a fear. and my life is nothing but a burden hidden by a clown's smile. if only people knew, how hidden i was.. if only they'd know that their taughting and harsh words, or their thoughts of me and my life are nothing but scraches on my already torn image.
its something i've got accustomed to. day in and day out, ive to occupy myself..or else hell would hit me like a ton of bricks. actually hell does hit me,everynight. and it sucks. no one truly knows how my life is like. it;s my own doing,so its my fault. but why must this happen to me? what have i done in my life to deserve such punishment? my body weakens each time..i know if i continue it;d lead to my deathbed. i know that nothing good is coming out of this pain i yearn to hault. i need to find light, to find peace..but each time i think of it, 'Peace' is a fear. and my life is nothing but a burden hidden by a clown's smile. if only people knew, how hidden i was.. if only they'd know that their taughting and harsh words, or their thoughts of me and my life are nothing but scraches on my already torn image.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
a typical conversation with lyon
my msn nick > flying elephants.
Lyon's msn nick> lyon
Conversation
lyon - says: (10:21:51 PM)
omg, there r actually elephants tt can fly?? COOL!!
flying elephants says: (10:22:21 PM)
HELL YEA! THEY DRANK RED BULL...
flying elephants says: (10:22:25 PM)
IT GAVE THEM WINGS
lyon - says: (10:22:42 PM)
awesome!! but it didnt work for me :(
flying elephants says: (10:24:14 PM)
awwww.COS IT DONT WORK FOR GIRAFFES
flying elephants says: (10:24:25 PM)
only ELEPHANTS.
lyon - says: (10:24:34 PM)
hmm but did u fly??
flying elephants says: (10:24:40 PM)
and RACCOONS
lyon - says: (10:24:44 PM)
if u did, tt means ur an elephant!!
flying elephants says: (10:24:45 PM)
im the RACCOON
flying elephants says: (10:25:23 PM)
(: the elephant's my boyfriend
lyon - says: (10:26:23 PM)
oh man, ur bf is HUGE!! ask him to watch out for me while hes flyin. dont crash into my head
flying elephants says: (10:27:28 PM)
hahaa! YEA. But no worries.. he likes touchig clouds
lyon - says: (10:28:04 PM)
but my head reaches way outta e ozone
lyon - says: (10:28:16 PM)
so he'll still hav to watch it
flying elephants says: (10:30:31 PM)
hehe.YEAH. i'll ask him to try to avoid collision with you're ever so 'into-the-ozone' head
flying elephants says: (10:30:39 PM)
your*
flying elephants says: (10:31:51 PM)
no wonder your mind's aways 'way out there!' into lala land.. and nvr in the right mind... cant blameyou for your muddle-mindedness.
flying elephants says: (10:31:53 PM)
hahaha
lyon - says: (10:32:32 PM)
omg u mean u juz realised?? tt took u awhile..
lyon - says: (10:32:35 PM)
hahaha
flying elephants says: (10:33:56 PM)
HEY. im raccoon k.cant blame me.. im much smaller then you are
flying elephants says: (10:33:58 PM)
BUT.
flying elephants says: (10:33:59 PM)
BUT. good things come in small packages
lyon - says: (10:34:23 PM)
gd things?? *ahem* r u sure??
lyon - says: (10:34:24 PM)
hahaha
lyon - says: (10:34:26 PM)
jkjk!!
flying elephants says: (10:38:13 PM)
HEHE.okie fine..
flying elephants says: (10:38:18 PM)
not good things..
flying elephants says: (10:38:24 PM)
EXTREMELY GOOD.
flying elephants says: (10:38:26 PM)
HAHAHAHAA
yon - says: (10:38:45 PM)
(HM)i dont think so..
flying elephants says: (10:41:12 PM)
YOU KNOW SO
flying elephants says: (10:41:14 PM)
(:
lyon - says: (10:41:26 PM)
aye.. u win tis one.
Lyon's msn nick> lyon
Conversation
lyon - says: (10:21:51 PM)
omg, there r actually elephants tt can fly?? COOL!!
flying elephants says: (10:22:21 PM)
HELL YEA! THEY DRANK RED BULL...
flying elephants says: (10:22:25 PM)
IT GAVE THEM WINGS
lyon - says: (10:22:42 PM)
awesome!! but it didnt work for me :(
flying elephants says: (10:24:14 PM)
awwww.COS IT DONT WORK FOR GIRAFFES
flying elephants says: (10:24:25 PM)
only ELEPHANTS.
lyon - says: (10:24:34 PM)
hmm but did u fly??
flying elephants says: (10:24:40 PM)
and RACCOONS
lyon - says: (10:24:44 PM)
if u did, tt means ur an elephant!!
flying elephants says: (10:24:45 PM)
im the RACCOON
flying elephants says: (10:25:23 PM)
(: the elephant's my boyfriend
lyon - says: (10:26:23 PM)
oh man, ur bf is HUGE!! ask him to watch out for me while hes flyin. dont crash into my head
flying elephants says: (10:27:28 PM)
hahaa! YEA. But no worries.. he likes touchig clouds
lyon - says: (10:28:04 PM)
but my head reaches way outta e ozone
lyon - says: (10:28:16 PM)
so he'll still hav to watch it
flying elephants says: (10:30:31 PM)
hehe.YEAH. i'll ask him to try to avoid collision with you're ever so 'into-the-ozone' head
flying elephants says: (10:30:39 PM)
your*
flying elephants says: (10:31:51 PM)
no wonder your mind's aways 'way out there!' into lala land.. and nvr in the right mind... cant blameyou for your muddle-mindedness.
flying elephants says: (10:31:53 PM)
hahaha
lyon - says: (10:32:32 PM)
omg u mean u juz realised?? tt took u awhile..
lyon - says: (10:32:35 PM)
hahaha
flying elephants says: (10:33:56 PM)
HEY. im raccoon k.cant blame me.. im much smaller then you are
flying elephants says: (10:33:58 PM)
BUT.
flying elephants says: (10:33:59 PM)
BUT. good things come in small packages
lyon - says: (10:34:23 PM)
gd things?? *ahem* r u sure??
lyon - says: (10:34:24 PM)
hahaha
lyon - says: (10:34:26 PM)
jkjk!!
flying elephants says: (10:38:13 PM)
HEHE.okie fine..
flying elephants says: (10:38:18 PM)
not good things..
flying elephants says: (10:38:24 PM)
EXTREMELY GOOD.
flying elephants says: (10:38:26 PM)
HAHAHAHAA
yon - says: (10:38:45 PM)
(HM)i dont think so..
flying elephants says: (10:41:12 PM)
YOU KNOW SO
flying elephants says: (10:41:14 PM)
(:
lyon - says: (10:41:26 PM)
aye.. u win tis one.
Friday, March 7, 2008
it's been quite some time.. and life hasn't changed much.
i'm somewhat confused, and somewhat sad.
my teen years are flying past me...
and little can i do. i have the best bunch of friends i could ever ask for..
and that's all i have.
there's nothing much to me though...
they say, Everyone is born for someone.
but... Not everyone gets to know that someone
And as the clock ticks by,
it's weird..all my eighteen years.
but thank goodness for my friends...
they are my pillars. and my joy.
and love? all i know are tears and fears..
but then again, who am i to judge.
i know nothing of that sort,
i'm somewhat confused, and somewhat sad.
my teen years are flying past me...
and little can i do. i have the best bunch of friends i could ever ask for..
and that's all i have.
there's nothing much to me though...
they say, Everyone is born for someone.
but... Not everyone gets to know that someone
And as the clock ticks by,
it's weird..all my eighteen years.
but thank goodness for my friends...
they are my pillars. and my joy.
and love? all i know are tears and fears..
but then again, who am i to judge.
i know nothing of that sort,
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