...

Forget it.
ive given up

Finally, a new beginning.

I am determined to overcome my eating problem.
five years is too long a time wasted...
Thank goodness i'm taking steps and i'm heading towards recovery.
(=

today's the 7th of may 2009..
i'm going to be frank with you, about my problem..
i've been carrying the horrible burden of suffering from what people call "anorexia" and "bulimia" for 5years..

I call it ED = short form for eating disorder
Basically, ED is the only relationship ive had in my life...
never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but ive had ED...for as long as i remember..

ED TOOK AWAY MY LIFE...
my five year relationship with ED.
i couldnt live without him. i was obsessed with him and i couldnt live my life normally. Everyday, all i thought about was ED
when i wake up, when i get ready, in school, when im out with friends, at home, before i sleep, i even DREAM OF ED.

so now, im determined to "break up" with ED, so i can Start my life anew,
a fresh
and NORMAL.
But what is normal? i find it hard to imagine.

it aint all that simple though,
because of ED, now i've insecurities.. i feel unworthy of life in general.
unworthy of love.
unworthy of a normal life
and im afraid to be normal.. im not saying that im depressed, because i'm not.
i'm saying im afraid to step out of my five-year bubble.

somehow, with ED, i feel like im living in a world of my own..that i neednt worry about a thing in the big outside world. thus i didnt bother talking to people or knowing people for any form of relationship apart from the friends i already had.

"But how can i live on that way?" i asked myself
All my friends are moving on in life.. and im still stuck.. not moving, stagnant- or perhaps even getting worse!

the doctors told me, a year ago
"if you continue on like this, it'd be a miracle if you live past twenty"
"Someone would probably find you dead with your head in the toilet bowl"

honestly, a year ago.. i didnt really care... i mean, so what, as long as i stay within my comfort zone with ED, i'm happy and fine...
but i wasnt really.
i wasnt fine..
i was sick, and ill and dying.

AND I AM GOING TO STOP MY STUPID OBSESSION WITH ED
so i got myself a permanent fixture.
it means peace.love.family and the national Eating disorder recovery symbol.

and im happy.
and i will be, now till forever.
XOXO

the Truth revealed

Well, i've not been updating my blog.. for an Extremely LONG time- the eve of my birthday.
all those posts on my sad lonely life.. well, they were written when i was at my worst. i'm sure there are happy days and sad days for everybody. For me, it's more of like-a cycle. Im happy when i'm with friends and company. or when im watching a show-enjoying myself.

Dont get me all wrong. Im happy Most of the time... i just write my blog entries when im DEPRESSED.
Still, i must admit, i have hidden problems and an abundance of insecurities; Something not anyone is proud of. I've learnt to live with them though.. sometimes i wonder how i can live Without these problems.

I'm thankful to have the life i have. Despite all my negative aspects and social insecurities, i'm proud to say, i live a happy contented life. My social circle consists of just friends-i guess that's a good thing? but ive to learn to open up, perhaps more.in the future.

Heart

I don't know why.. but day by day, i just feel more and more closed in, more and more like as though- if each time some stranger laughs, he's laughing at me. Why are these emotions Drowning me, Tormenting me? Hurting me.. now, Killing me.. I know i've alot to be thankful for, my friends.my family. But why Me? Why My Life? I don't know..Im not worthy of anything. Perhaps that's why i never get close..As in 'Close' to Anyone.



There is a monster living deep inside of me.
He eats my insides making me feel hungry.
I try to fill the void that he leaves inside.
No matter how much I bury him,
He just wont die.

I know the problem,
So why cant I stop?
I eat and eat until I feel my insides rot.
I beat myself with guilt,
Every time I let that monster win.
But when I'm done feeling sorry for myself,
The cycle begins all over again.

I get called so many vile names because I'm fat.
You'd think I'd want to stop just because of that.
But the pain people cause just makes me crave more.
I find myself hiding behind the refrigerator door.

I can't go on living this lie.
I am tired of drowning the pain,
That I try to hide.
My secret is tearing me apart.
Because no amount of food in the world,
Will satisfy my starving heart.

life

I'm stuck in a world where I don't want to be
Suffering a pain that no one can see
A pain so deep, so bottled up inside
Brings thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

These thoughts trigger a self-punishing action
But to me it’s a mere distraction
I'm plagued by these thoughts in my mind
To me they're so clear but to others they're blind.

Each day I wake with hostile thoughts
What lies ahead makes me fraught
The voice in my head is so intense
To others it's nothing but to me it's immense

I feel despondent with no future ahead
But I'll have one soon and this path I'll tread
This path will lead me to a place I can endure
And I'll never go back to the way I was before.


with love.

a poem i wrote.

She’s Sick. She’s Nauseous.
She’s full of contempt.
She Hates her living
She contemplates death.
Her stomach
turning, jumping,
And calling for help.
Yet she pushes up the fuel
She consumed before that.
Will her body survive,
After years of this pain
Will she mentally break?
Due to this shame.
She’s wincing. Disgusted.
Praying it away.
She looks at reflections.
In a different way.
She sees a painting
Of a different Thing.
She’s looking in the mirror.
She’s Fighting her mind.
She’s trying to find a goodness inside.
She has to focus
Allow her system to digest.
But her mind says NO.
No. She’s a mess.
The hurt. The pain. The disgust.
Its too much to handle.
The poor girl’s a mess.
The power of her master
Took over her body
She gives her fuel away
Gladly and reluctantly.
She’s turning to bones.
Too thin, now happy.
Trying to deceive herself
That Thin equals happy
Master you’re a liar!
Master you’re a user!
Master you’re a horrid inducer!
Master she hates you.
Yet she needs you.
Let her go, dear master;
Please, she begs you.
Her painful starvation.
Her heart palpitations.
Her mind’s in a mess.
Due to contemplation.
She’s now exhausted,
Extremely weak
She’s Sick. Nauseated.
In pain
And in lost.
You won’t leave her alone.
Dissociation - self-taught.
Her pain she bears
Makes her body run weak.
Makes her time fall short.
Shattered and sick.
Her mind’s a mess.
She’s gone whacked.
Her parents.
Her brother.
Her old friends.
Is like a fantasy she dreams
In Disney land.
Day in and day out.
She’s split into two.
One side’s a fantasy.
The other’s Doom.
Master, leave her to heal
forgive, and move on.
She’s too much of a slave
Her freedom, now gone.
Master, please.
She begs
Give her the freedom she longs.
She’s been Stomped on.
Stepped, Tossed, dear Master.
She has endured far enough.
She’s like a rag doll, dear Master
She’s lost her cry.
She’s too torn,
And then mended.
Stitched, by your Master hands.
Only to have the same happen
Torn over and over again.
She finds herself lost
In pain and in sorrow
She’s now praying by pen,
Her world is so hollow.
She uses the tool
Known as the pen.
The Universe blessed for her
Held in her fragile hands
She writes Master’s words
To keep her mind in line.
But all the while,
She’s hoping
Someone, whoever, can identify.
May she help one more get by.

My life in voice.

Things has got so out of control. i feel like a bird in a cage. i yearn to be free, yet when anyone trys to open the cage, in hope i'd fly- i've this huge fear and reluctance.
in fact, to be quite frank, perhaps this 'cage' has now become a home to me. somewhere i can be alone and hide. somewhere i've become accustomed to.

Kelly Clarkson's 'Addicted' depicts my life in voice.

It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down.
It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech, Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe... Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe, It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you, I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think, Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts..In my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost. It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, Leave me alone!
And I know these voices in my head..Are mine alone..
And I know I'll never change my ways,If I don't give you up now!

It's like I can't breathe.. It's like I can't see anything!..
Nothing but you/..I'm addicted to you..

It's like I can't think..Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, In my dreams.. You've taken over me!
It's like I'm not me..It's like I'm not me...

I'm hooked on you,I need a fix.. I can't take it.. Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it, I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time..Then that's it

It's like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you. I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think.. Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me