13:13 in the afternoon, 5th april 2011.

binge eating and purging.
Nothing has changed.
i'm a disappointment.
killing myself, little by little.
still painting on the smiles.

an update.

Faith for the future;
A stagnant thought.
A numb body beyond cure;
A lost battle- once fought.

Her restless nights;
Crammed- dreaded dreams.
Mind- enigmatic sounds;
Her- devil within.

Yet she pleads and begs;
For a well again end.
A chance at life;
The savage- Mend.

...

Forget it.
ive given up

Finally, a new beginning.

I am determined to overcome my problem.
five years is too long a time wasted...
Thank goodness i'm taking steps and i'm heading towards recovery.
(=

today's the 7th of may 2009..
i'm going to be frank with you, about my problem..
i've been carrying the horrible burden of suffering from what people call "a" and "b" for 5years..

I call it ED
Basically, ED is the only relationship ive had in my life...
ive had ED...for as long as i remember..

ED TOOK AWAY MY LIFE...
my five year relationship with ED.
i couldnt live without him. i was obsessed with him and i couldnt live my life normally. Everyday, all i thought about was ED
when i wake up, when i get ready, in school, when im out with friends, at home, before i sleep, i even DREAM OF ED.

so now, im determined to "break up" with ED, so i can Start my life anew,
a fresh
and NORMAL.
But what is normal? i find it hard to imagine.

it aint all that simple though,
because of ED, now i've insecurities.. i feel unworthy of life in general.
unworthy of love.
unworthy of a normal life
and im afraid to be normal.. im not saying that im depressed, because i'm not.
i'm saying im afraid to step out of my five-year bubble.

somehow, with ED, i feel like im living in a world of my own..that i neednt worry about a thing in the big outside world. thus i didnt bother talking to people or knowing people for any form of relationship apart from the friends i already had.

"But how can i live on that way?" i asked myself
All my friends are moving on in life.. and im still stuck.. not moving, stagnant- or perhaps even getting worse!

the doctors told me, a year ago
"if you continue on like this, it'd be a miracle if you live past twenty"
"Someone would probably find you dead with your head in the toilet bowl"

honestly, a year ago.. i didnt really care... i mean, so what, as long as i stay within my comfort zone with ED, i'm happy and fine...
but i wasnt really.
i wasnt fine..
i was sick,

AND I AM GOING TO STOP MY STUPID OBSESSION WITH ED
so i got myself a permanent fixture.
it means peace.love.family and the national Eating disorder recovery symbol.

and im happy.
and i will be, now till forever.
XOXO

the Truth revealed

Well, i've not been updating my blog.. for an Extremely LONG time- the eve of my birthday..
all those posts on my sad lonely life.. well, they were written when i was at my worst. i'm sure there are happy days and sad days for everybody. For me, it's more of like-a cycle. Im happy when i'm with friends and company..

Dont get me all wrong. Im happy Most of the time...
i just write my blog entries when im DEPRESSED.

Still, i must admit, i have hidden problems and an abundance of insecurities;
Something not anyone is proud of. I've learnt to live with them though.. sometimes i wonder how i can live Without these problems.

I'm thankful to have the life i have. Despite all my negative aspects and social insecurities, i'm proud to say, i live a happy contented life.
My social circle consists of just friends-i guess that's a good thing? but ive to learn to open up, perhaps more.in the future.

note to self:

florence, youve to start to love yourself.

Heart

I don't know why.. but day by day, i just feel more and more closed in, more and more like as though- if each time some stranger laughs, he's laughing at me. Why?!

I know i've alot to be thankful for, my friends.my family.
But why Me? Why My Life? I don't know..Im not worthy of anything.


There is a monster living deep inside of me.
He eats my insides making me feel hungry.
I try to fill the void that he leaves inside.
No matter how much I bury him,
He just wont die.

I know the problem,
So why cant I stop?
I eat and eat until I feel my insides rot.
I beat myself with guilt,
Every time I let that monster win.
But when I'm done feeling sorry for myself,
The cycle begins all over again.

I get called so many vile names because I'm fat.
You'd think I'd want to stop just because of that.
But the pain people cause just makes me crave more.
I find myself hiding behind the refrigerator door.

I can't go on living this lie.
I am tired of drowning the pain,
That I try to hide.
My secret is tearing me apart.
Because no amount of food in the world,
Will satisfy my starving heart.

life

I'm stuck in a world where I don't want to be
Suffering a pain that no one can see
A pain so deep, so bottled up inside
Brings thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

These thoughts trigger a self-punishing action
But to me it’s a mere distraction
I'm plagued by these thoughts in my mind
To me they're so clear but to others they're blind.

Each day I wake with hostile thoughts
What lies ahead makes me fraught
The voice in my head is so intense
To others it's nothing but to me it's immense

I feel despondent with no future ahead
But I'll have one soon and this path I'll tread
This path will lead me to a place I can endure
And I'll never go back to the way I was before.


with love.